Conflict and Artificial Harmony
Take-Aways from "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team"
"I don't think anyone ever gets completely used to conflict. If it's not a little uncomfortable, then it's not real. The key is to keep doing it anyway."
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni is one of those books I have read multiple times. I wholeheartedly recommend it. However, in this post, I do not want to review or summarise1, but instead, briefly share two takeaways relating to conflict.
I find the interpersonal discomfort of conflict particularly intimidating and thus have to work hard at overcoming my psychological resistance to it.
However, insight into the second dysfunction of a team, the fear of conflict, is helping me embrace conflict as a healthy and necessary ingredient in building and participating in successful teams.
Moments of truth are best handled face-to-face.
I like writing things down. It allows me time to think, pick my words carefully, and rework my message until it is as clear as possible within the constraints of my vocabulary. It is tempting to believe that the clarity achieved through writing can be passed on to the reader, especially when you know the feedback will be hard to hear.
As that psychological discomfort starts setting in, you make a case for why a well-crafted, polite and succinct email is the best way to prevent misunderstandings. So, you agonise over every detail of your message and fire it off. No reply. Great! It must be because the message was well received and the feedback taken on board. Discomfort avoided all around, and everyone is in complete alignment again. Job done.
Unfortunately for you, two weeks later, the issue unexpectedly resurfaces during a one-on-one that started with all the usual pleasantries. You're unprepared, scrambling for balance against the torrent of bottled-up bitterness, digging that hole ever-deeper as you're in full flight mode: "That's not what I meant!"
Moments of truth are best handled face-to-face. Hard conversations are not about elegant turns of phrase; they are about doing the right thing. As soon as I catch myself thinking an exchange will be awkward, I know I need to do the work.
Tension is not conflict.
Wherever people have different ideas or opinions, there is conflict. For the longest time, I had strong associations between conflict and violence and avoided conflict at all costs. Of course, violent or destructive conflict exists, but not all conflict is harmful.
I have learned that the best innovations and ideas are found at the intersections of diverse perspectives. To get to these intersections, we need to move past the competing interests of our differences. And the way to do that is through productive discussions where the shared goal is to resolve critical issues, i.e. through constructive conflict.
Whether at the team ideation, or individual feedback level, when we fail to engage in constructive conflict, we end up with tension. I think of tension as that "walking on eggshells" experience. It generally starts as a defensive, fearful feeling. However, continued exposure to, and being forced to remain in, a state of elevated stress eventually evolves into resentment. The resentment, in turn, soon gives way to anger, and anger is more likely to result in destructive than constructive conflict.
Moving through tension to a place of harmony requires conflict. Harmony that exists because people hold back on their opinions and honest concerns is not real. Harmony is good only if it comes as a result of cycling through issues and conflict.
"Mine for conflict" in the tension and bring it to the surface.
It is not easy and I still make mistakes, but I’m going to keep at it.
If you haven't read the book, here is a 2 min synopsis by the author for context